It is 1:18 am Sunday morning.  What am I doing up?  Typing, in the hopes that I can drown some of my frustrations in this cybersea of electrical impulses and synapses.

 

Apart from hurting physically (from a ripped out toenail, a high speed aerial elbow to my lower midsection and a failed "clean"dive resulting in spinal compression and a slight concussion), I have now been burdened with the realisation that I may be the last of my bredrens to have any sort of relationship with the opposite sex.

 

My seemingly frostbitten manner that I carried throughout community college (my re-entry back into the world of coe-ed institutions), coupled with my fear of having to provide "that thing" if I ever did start something with a woman (which is frowned upon by my parents and I have been raised to avoid) have served to cripple any intentions I had of pursuing - hell, even starting - some sort of said relationship.

 

Long and short of it, I'm pretty much something of a coward.  And I don't want it to be that way.

 

Especially when I see friends of mine having a flock and gaggle o' gals comin an check dem.  Where is my, dare I say, "harem"? I just wanna be loved (yes, sing the damn song).  Now mind you, I don't want that so I can have sex with any and every girl I meet and like - well, maybe I do want something like that, but then I'd have to face my parents and God, aka Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.  I feel bad enough as it is with my current vices...

 

Which leads me to wonder whether or not it is those vices that are holding me back from achieving such a goal (not the harem, fools, a relationship!!) And why should it? There are people out there that I'm sure do worse stuff than me but have everything they want... in this life.  I guess they'll pay for it in hell or sometime later in life... but again, sometimes life isn't fair like that.

 

People that know me or know of me might think I'm just whining and lazy, cuz in theory I have all the things that would ensure many female (lol) encounters.  And this is not to say that I haven't had my share.  It just seems that those whom I do attract aren't my type.  As in much older or with children.  As much as there is an attraction for older women,  I would try to stay in my age group. Problems again.. I can much more easily speak and hold something of a longer conversation (not one of my strong suits) with women than I can with girls. This may be a wrong assumption, but it seems the younger ones just want to get it on like a jackrabbit, while the older ones, if they have such desire, can suppress it because of prior experience and/or maturity.

 

Am I thinking about sex too much?  Only natural, I am a heterosexual male, unlike what those flucking idiots accuse me of and then say "I jus jokin man.. but you know, you prone to dem kinda things", if they're even that considerate.  Nutting does get me more vex than jackasses who like to call man gay because dem en see dem chillin, or move awkward and shy around woman.  You know why I do that? Take a wild guess.  I wish it didn't have to be that way, but until I find my wife, I'm going to try to keep it that way.  Never mind that she may not be a take a wild guess herself... I cyaan watch dat.  I can only hope that it will be like mom and pops said it would be.  And that she goan teach me some tricks -HA HAAAAA!! To which I shall return the favor... hm hm hm.

 

 

Anyways, nuff a my useless rambling.  Nothing's going to happen unless I do something about it.  Church tomorrow.  I'ma pray for y'all.  If I stay awake.